"You’ll be better"

"You’ll be back in no time to."

"This is not forever."

"You got this".

You know what, what if I’m not?

What if I don’t?

What if it is?

What if... fuck you?

The positivity of people that don’t know what it’s like to sit in the darkness.

The comments of the world that doesn’t know what it feels like to be punched in the soul.

The beliefs they try to instill into you when they don’t know what it feels like to shed blood hoping that it will kill you.

“Hang in there “

Hang myself that will probably be easier

How are you?

I’m happy but more sad.

I’m content but soak my heart with disappointment.

I’m proud but feel so worthless.

It’s a tough time?

It’s not just the pandemic.

I’ve lived with this for years it’s just now I’m deciding to do something about it.

It’s all beneath the belly of the demons and now I’m shedding it out into the light.

All you are seeing is years and years of hate, guilt, disgust, confusion, anxiety, sadness, darkness, finally come out of the soul and into the world you know.

And it’s not just one big storm rather gonna be a season of storms and hurricanes

This is fucking hard.

My heart hurts.

My head hurts.

My soul hurts.

"Just get up!"

Be positive!"

Just be happy!"

Hmm its that easy huh?

I am not gonna listen to someone that doesn’t even understand nor lived thought this fiery hell.

What I am going to do is try.

I’m gonna try to be better.

I’m gonna try to hang in there.

I’m gonna try to have hope.

I may not be cured but I can at least try to.

Think of the people that you can help

Think about your family

Think about the things that make you smile

It’s so hard to see the rainbow of colors you have in your life

Keep trying to see them and even if they fade away into the darkness

Black, grey, blinded by something we call the nothing

Keep trying to see the smiling faces.

Keep trying to see the writing in the cards.

Keep trying to see they are just trying to help.

Help who?

Help you?

Try to see the ones that reach out.

Try to see the love your family has for you.

Try to see everything you have.

Pete, I’m just asking you to do one thing to do ... try.

I’m trying...

I’m trying

-Love Dad.

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